Breaking Dawn: An Exclusive Interview

Within a month, Breaking Dawn – a movie starring a sparkling pedophile, a love-struck misanthropist and a furry animal – will be whimpering its away into our cinemas. The official trailer, released barely a week ago amid howls of ecstasy and heartbreak, is merely a taste of the madness that it is to spread, like Edward Cullen’s leftover semen, into people’s lives; forever changing vampire lore as we so fondly knew it.

We here from The New Straight Times have had the chance to get up-close and personal with the three main stars of Breaking Dawn – Edward Masen Something-Or-Another Cullen, Isabella “Mary Sue” Swan, and Jacob “The Afterthought” Black – as they share their thoughts about the upcoming movie.

‘I hate this,’ mutters Bella in her signature monotone as she shoves a strand of hair behind her ear glittering. ‘I hate the attention, I hate this dress, and I hate the Merc you bought me.’ She turns to glare at her husband with dour, red-blood eyes. ‘Why does my life have to be so perfect?’

‘Ah, hush, my young love,’ her 100-year-old husband, Edward, chides her softly, his golden eyes brooding as he gently traces her face with one sparkling, French-manicured finger. ‘If thou doth hath nothing nice to utter, then thou should stay quiet and serve thy husband, like a first-class prostitute an obedient wife.’

The movie will be the first of two parts in a typical move to milk as much venom from the undying saga as possible in order to pacify fans who loathe to see the end of Bella and Edward depart from their sad, lonely lives. One particular fan was almost in hysterics at the prospect; at one point even questioning her existence after it was all to end. What, in all honesty, do Bella, Jacob and Edward think of that?

‘Forsooth, it is dark tidings,’ murmurs Edward with a fragrant sigh. His sparkling face belies his troubled feelings as he looks out at the horizon, the sunshine illuminating every miniscule pore that dots his marble, angelic skin. He shifts in his seat, and the leather purrs audibly in satisfaction at his velvet caress. ‘But was it not Romeo,’ continues Edward, ‘who uttered the cry “All Good Things (Come To An End)", before he plunged the cursed dagger into his heart, and so ended his short, wretched life while pale, beautiful Juliet slept on?’

It is this statement that finally snaps Jacob out of his reverie. With all trace of his boyish smile gone, he says, his voice intense, ‘Dad, that was Nelly Furtado, not Romeo. Fail.’

Now that Jacob has finally joined us, I am curious to know what has been on his mind for the past half hour of the interview, as well as his thoughts on the upcoming movie.

‘Renesmee,’ he breathes, his face slowly lightening up. He runs a shaking hand through his hair – the room is at once filled with the overwhelming stench of burnt follicles. ‘My soulmate, you know?’ he explains, his dark eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. ‘She’s just so… beautiful. And so smart – so much smarter than the other girls her age. Today I taught her her ABCs, and not only did she not stumble even once, but she was pitch-perfect, too – other kids’ voices usually crack when they reach the letter ‘g’.’

Edward nods proudly. ‘That’s my daughter. A prodigy at two years old.’

Jacob leans forward, his expression eager. ‘She’s really excited about the movie – I would know, ‘cause I got a glimpse of what’s going on in her head when she touched my face as I tucked her into bed last night.’ A smile of infinite satisfaction spreads across his face at the memory. ‘I’ll never forget that experience.’

‘What time did you put her to sleep?’ cuts Bella sharply, her lips pulled back in a dangerous snarl.

‘7 p.m., of course, Mom,’ replies Jacob, rolling his eyes. ‘Don’t worry, little Nessie is in good, warm hands.’

I am desperate to steer the conversation back to safer topics, but it is clear that the legendary family have other things on their minds. The three abruptly leap to their feet: Bella, scowling and tossing her mane in a manner that would have put Rosalie to shame; Jacob, eyes dazed as he absent-mindedly flexes his impressive biceps, and Edward, ever graceful and apologetic as he prances his way towards the door, leaving behind a scent of rosemary and thyme.

‘Wait!’ I cry out frantically, pen and pad in hand. ‘Any last words?’

Only Bella bothers to reply. ‘Yeah,’ she says, pausing thoughtfully by the doorway. ‘People always ask me, “what’s it like, tying yourself in every humanly possible way with a cold, marble, godlike being such as Edward?” Since none of you will ever be as lucky and perfect as me, here’s a helpful hint: Go here, and experience it for yourselves. The reviews pretty much sum everything up. In fact, I wrote one of them myself.’ And with a naughty wink, Isabella Marie Cullen Swan joins her comrades into the horizon.

I watch, hidden in the shadows and despairing in my mortality, as the three mount their sparkling unicorns and make their way, with all the grace of vampire royalty, to their dream cottage deep in the Forest of Forbidden Fairytales.


*Breaking Dawn will be out in cinemas on November 18, 2011