(This post is extremely long – as in, 4,000 words long – so I advise you to sit back, relax, and maybe munch on some crisps. And, to fully appreciate this post, you should watch Twilight: The Movie, first. Plus, since this is the longest post I have ever written on this blog, and it took me two days to write, it’s only fair that there will be a short break before I update again, don’t you think?)
He is a devastatingly inhumanly beautiful vampire who doesn’t drink human blood!
His unearthly, wise, deeply soulful eyes change colour according to his mood the weather!
He can read people’s minds!
He is a sensitive, aged soul whose bedroom is littered with books (OMFG he READS!!! And they’re not even COMICS!!) and he plays the organ PIANO!
When he is exposed to the sun, he doesn’t weaken or spontaneously combust into fire and ashes (Ew!). He – wait for it – sparkles.
Like a DIAMOND.
(“You’re beautiful,” breathes Bella, unconditionally and irrevocably in love, while the rest of the cinema, which is, naturally, full of giggly tweens, swoons along with her.)
BUT YOU GUYS THAT’S, LIKE, NOT JUST ALL. SERIOUSLY I’M NOT KIDDING YOU.
THE BESTEST BEST PART OF IT IS:
He doesn’t fall in love with another heavenly beautiful vampire and make vamplings together for the next century while we all grow stale, old and smelly. Instead, he falls in love with a human girl who is awkward, shy, lonely, uncharismatic, ordinary, boring and only slightly pretty, just like all of us!!!
OK, TIME OUT.
OH EDWARD CULLEN, WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE YOU WERE WRITTEN AND CREATED BY A TWEEN FANFIC WRITER WHO SELF-INSERTS AND IS IN LOVE WITH HER OWN CHARACTER???
*ducks as fangirls and the many self-professed wives of Edward Cullen throw rotten tomatoes, sachets of fake blood and white makeup powder this way*
I’ll admit, I’ve never read the books. Maybe if I did, I would probably have been swept along with the “I love Edward Cullen" disease that has infected almost every girl and woman who have read it, regardless of age. I heard about the book when I was seventeen, but was never interested in reading it. Maybe because it sounded like Just Another Teen Novel. Instead, I got hooked on Gossip Girl, which, during that time, was a completely original idea, but has now spawned more copycats than Jack The Ripper.
Then BOOM! In 2008, suddenly Twilight was everywhere.
And that made me want to read it even less. Because if there’s one thing I hate doing, it’s jumping on bandwagons. I loathe bandwagons. If I could, I’d torch a bandwagon by moonlight, and then stand back, look cool in my black trench coat and Pasar Malam sunglasses that reflect the bonfire I created, and laugh maniacally while tentatively sipping apple juice.
But I digress.
One day, while walking towards the Teen Readers section of One Utama’s MPH (I’m both proud and ashamed that I’ve been haunting that area for 7 years), Twilight was, again, shoved into my face via the bookstand in the centre. Twilight was practically spilling off the shelves, thanks to the release of the last book in the series.
Oh bite me, curiosity. I picked up the book for the twentieth time in my life. But what was different this time was that I didn’t just read the super-cheesy back cover. I opened the book and read it, while trying to ignore the blisters my wedges were giving me.
I wish I could say that, just by reading the first few lines, it was like a hole had opened in the roof of MPH and sunlight shone upon me.
I wish I could say I felt like committing corporal mortification on myself for ignorantly depriving myself of this literary gem all these years.
I wish I could have cried out loud there in MPH, with my arms widespread and face directed towards the heavens, ‘AT LAST! Another novel that can beat Potter in its genre!’
I wish I could say I ran straight to the cashier like a thousand vampires all named James were obsessively hunting me down , plonked the cash on the counter like a gangsta, and then ran all the way home so fast, it was as if I was riding on Edward Cullen’s back.
Instead, I got bonked in the head. Again, again, and – oh wait! – again by the clichés that were flying towards me from the pages. You gotta give the clichés credit; they were fast, furious and came with a vengeance.
Cliché #1: Bella Swann, main character. Quiet, loner type who doesn’t have much friends. Clumsy. Beautiful, but doesn’t realize it (hahahahaha! How many times have we heard that before??). Spunky(?) Attracts the attention of all the guys and girls in her new school (see: Cliché #2) by just existing (I smell a Mary Sue). Falls in love with the one guy who dares to not fall at her feet.
Cliché #2: The book starts with Bella moving to a New City and a New School. It’s so original I wanted to cry in ecstasy.
Cliché #3: Mother and daughter are complete opposites, but super-close. Daughter is not close with Dad, even though they actually have a lot in common. You don’t say!!
Cliché #4: The mandatory Cafeteria Scene (no teen novel can be published without one, it seems) where the social hierarchy is drawn and the inhumanly beautiful Cullens are introduced. Bella’s attention, of course, is immediately diverted towards the lonely group, and she asks about them.
Cliché #5: Edward Cullen. Have you not read the beginning of my post?
Mind you, I spotted these clichés after reading only a few pages while leaning on the bookshelf and switching the pressure on each foot to make the blisters hurt less. (I know, I could have just sat down on the floor and spared myself the pain. But the book was many points shy of being Sitting-Down-On-The-Floor-Of-MPH-Worthy, so I just put it back on the shelf). Who knows? Maybe if I actually bought the book and finished it, the list of clichés would probably exceed my impressive height of 147cm.
The thing is, right, I usually don’t mind clichés. Heck, there are so many books in the world that it’s entirely impossible to avoid using ‘em. And besides, clichés are clichés for a reason; the audience laps it up. Clichés certainly wouldn’t stop me from reading a book.
BUT A BOOK THAT IS BORING SURE AS HELL STOPS ME FROM READING IT.
I’m sorry, but there was nothing witty or remotely funny in the first few pages! And call me shallow, or dumb, or an inexperienced reader, but I need a book that can make me *happy* and smile. I need a book that is written delightfully and charmingly and with the author’s distinct flavor. A book with a clichéd storyline or plot is inevitable – the beauty of it is that it is supposed to be unique because of the way the author writes is.
Yes, I’m talking about writing style here. And I was so bored with the way Stephanie Meyers constructed her sentences. She didn’t play with the words. She didn’t use any irony. She didn’t write amusing metaphors. Heck, she wasn’t even entertaining because she was NOT FUNNY.
I was scared I was the only one who thought that, considering how so many people loved the books. But (Thank God!) a search on the web made me realize I wasn’t alone. I remember one person saying that they read the books not for the writing, but for the story.
But enough complaining about a book I didn’t even finish reading! (Since there is always the chance that, one day, I might actually end up reading the book and completely loving it. Because, you know, the majority can’t be wrong, right?) Let’s talk about the movie.
It sucked. Big time. There is absolutely no redeeming quality to it.
It started off okay, though I got distracted by the weird camera movements and overall lack of colour (this is, of course, before Edward S*P*A*R*K*L*E*S. Like A DIAMOND! Then the whole screen lights up. Heck, the whole cinema hall lights up from all the widespread grins and sparkly teeth showing from the breathlessly-in-love audience).
We meet Bella, who just moved in with her divorced dad in a completely different town. Bella, we soon learn, is boring, mumbles a lot, and bumps and crashes into things, in a glaringly not-funny way. Bella goes to school and is famous and popular for no apparent reason other than being the new kid. Despite not even being remotely interesting or receptive to the welcome she gets, everybody wants to impress The Mighty Bella and kiss her shiny metal ass. When Bella deigns to talk to someone, regardless of whether they’re a guy or a girl, that person pees in their happy pants, dies, and gets fed to the vampires.
Of course, Bella is immediately attracted to the group of people who don’t give a shit if she even burped their way. Because, like, you know, they are so pale and gorgeous and cool and untouchable and they don’t mix with the likes of (SPOILER ALERT!!!) HUMANS such as Bella Swann, That Blond Dude, The Girl With The Big Boobs, The Girl With The Glasses, and The Asian Dude. But Bella, predictably, wants what she can’t have. And what she wants is Edward Cullen Delight.
The devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful siblings. Meh. Mine are better-looking.
Bla bla bla, Biology class, Bella takes empty seat next to (GUESS WHO?!) Edward, Edward thinks Bella’s smelly, Belly is outraged that Edward doesn’t want to give her ass a peck. Come on, Edward, my pasty-faced darling! It’s shiny! And metal! (Can’t do anything about the rust though).
Edward disappears. For a few days. His absence is neither explained nor important.
Edward reappears. Edward apologises during Biology class. They banter. It is not humorous nor interesting nor expository. The weird camera zooms in several times to Edward’s eyes. Okay. We get it, Camera People. He has inhumanly beautiful black eyes that sear your soul, are wise beyond their years, and appear to have witnessed things too wondrous to even speak of. He is also wearing contact lenses so obvious, I could see the outlines of it.
Bella is either really dumb, or just too caught up with herself, because she doesn’t notice it when Edward Cullen changes his contact lenses. As they walk along the corridor, she notes his change of eye colour. The camera zooms in several times, for good measure, so that the audience can see the contact lenses clearly, just in case they missed it earlier. Edward, unable to believe this chick is that stupid, and also unwilling to pass up the chance to totally mess with the new kid, ponders over whether to tell her his eyes change colour based on his mood, or on the weather. Not realizing the endless possibilities he has by espousing on the former, he chooses the latter. Idiot. They so suit each other. Bella is impressed, because she thought that cool, useless tricks like that existed only in the Anne Rice fanfics she writes (and gets flamed for).
Meanwhile, in another scene entirely, three Obviously EEEvil Vampires strut towards the camera, emanating cruelty and wickedness and bad acting. It’s like something from Smallville. The camera turns, and we face… a Human! NOOOOO!!! Don’t drink him! He has a wife! And a baby! Probably. These vampires are so EEEvil, and they want you to know that. Like, they jump around a lot, and snarl, and act badly, and worse; they like to play with their food. Thankfully, these EEEvil Vampires are not as stupid as Edward, who doesn’t know how to apply vampire makeup properly, and confuses hunger for love. (Or maybe he just loves Bella the way I love pasta). The Evil Trio commits murder. 90’s music is played in the background. So cool.
Bla bla bla, Edward accidentally reveals his super-powered secret to Bella by saving her from an out-of-control car. It’s almost awesome. It’s like, one minute he’s gazing longingly/glaringly menacingly/eyeing aloofly (it’s hard to tell, since Edward has exactly one facial expression underneath all that makeup) at Bella from across the parking lot, the next, he’s all over Bella, one hand feeling her up, the other making a dent in the car to stop it from crashing into Bella’s delicate, emo bones. Wow! If Edward hadn’t run so fast, even Vitagen wouldn’t have been able so save our poor heroine from such a bone-crushing, timely death…
'
Oops! Too much action going on down there,' Edward realises.
Meanwhile, our big dumb vampire Edward realizes that he just saved Bella’s life instead of leaving her to die and doing us all a favour, regrets it, and promptly disappears into thin air, leaving Bella to be stampeded to death by an angry mob of students furious that she had survived the hit, after all. Yay!
Dammit, like all Mary Sues, Bella somehow reincarnates herself into the hospital. Handy. Then Edward’s foster dad walks into the set to finish where his son left off. Edward’s foster dad, Papa Cullen, clearly was in the middle of experimenting with wifey’s makeup when he was called to the hospital. I swear that’s Revlon ColourStay smeared clumsily on his lips, in the shade of Ruby Rouge. But methinks he confused the pancake batter for foundation. Like father, like son. Papa Cullen pronounces Bella as completely healthy and tells her to get lost so that he can go back home and rummage for the makeup remover. Thank God for the white doctor coat; it totally hid the fact that he was also wearing wifey’s prom dress back from the 1600’s. But first; lecture time!
Edward can barely listen to Papa Cullen’s lecture, he’s just too amazed over how something as inexpensive as pancake batter can look that good on a vampire’s skin. Gotta try it out, Edward muses, as Daddy demands to know why the hell Eddy risked spilling the family secret just to save a human as pathetic as Bella. Don’t we all wanna know.
Naturally, Bella is eavesdropping for vampiriffic makeup tips. She shakes her head. Pancake batter does no favours. At all. Unfortunately, shaking her head causes her tiny, lonely brain to bounce around in her skull so loudly, the Cullens spot her hiding not-so-discreetly behind the imaginary wall.
That night, Bella promptly has wet dreams about Edward La Saviour, clutching her pillows desperately and getting thoroughly turned on in her sleep. Edward, full-on Stalker Mode, is in her bedroom and watching her enjoy herself. I know -- sweet giler. I am so in love with Edward Cullen.
Not.
Filler. A LOT of filler.
Critical Thinking 101 with Jacob (guy with the long hair) by the beach. Native Americans are werewolves. White Anglo-Saxons are vampires. Therefore, Edward Cullen MUST be a vampire. Bella’s suspicions are confirmed.
Edward saves Bella AGAIN. This time, from almost being raped. He appears out of nowhere, gives the rapists the Evil Vampire Face (patented by Angel, and apparently too awful for us to see, because the camera won’t give us a peek) and whisks Belly, I mean Bella, away in his VampMobile; a silver Honda. And his hair? Not a single strand out of place. The whole time. This movie is so unrealistic.
Edward is icy, figuratively and literally, it seems, when Bella cops a feel of his long, slender, perfect fingers using the tried-and-tested, both-reaching-for-the-radio ruse. The 90’s music becomes even more ominous, and this time, not just because it sounds 90’s.
It is The Moment Of Truth. Edward tells Bella that he’s attracted to her because (drumrolls, please) he can’t read her mind. He can read everyone’s mind except her. Like, WTF?! DUDE. That is NOT flattering! Tell her you like the way she laughs, or her button nose, or her fanfics she writes under the penname of ToxicAngel93 – just say ANYTHING that sounds like a compliment! But saying you like her because you can’t read her effin MIND?! Are you out of YOURS?!
But that’s not all. Edward has to add, ‘you’re like my personal brand of heroin.’
Bella thinks, great, he’s addicted to me, can’t get enough of me, and he’s dependant on me. Just like a drug that permanently addles your brain. We watch as the cogs in her mind start moving. Oh boy, she thinks, I hit the jackpot, baby!
Fast forward to Edward admitting the obvious; ‘I’m not a killer’. Dude, we can tell. But to prove his point, he glitters in the sun . Finally, finally, my brother Firdaus and I explode into laughter in the cinema. It’s hands down the best part of the movie. My little sister Aida informs me that she’s getting goosebumps from the sheer cheesiness.
The camera, by the way, is in the throes of a fully blown orgasm. It sweeps here, swoops there, and makes 360 degrees turns around our tragically-in-love couple.
Edward explains that he actually liked Bella’s smelly armpits during their first Biology class. Too much, in fact – he was actually struggling not to give Bella The Hickey of Death. ‘Sounds hot,’ Bella says, ‘and I trust you. Because you’re hot.’
Edward further explains he and the rest of his family don’t drink human blood. ‘We consider ourselves vegetarians,’ he says, and exposits that they just drink animal blood. Umm, ‘vegetarians’? Doesn’t he mean ‘humanitarians’?
‘Is this supposed to be sweet?!’ I hissed to Firdaus, who happened to be watching the movie for the second time, as Bella and Edward lie down on the grass and don’t say anything because even they know they’re too boring for words. The camera starts to get freakin high, y’all.
Bella comes over to Edward’s house for dinner. We learn that his siblings aren’t just vampires. They’re incestuous vampires. Understandable. I mean, when you become a vampire, such human taboos like cannibalism and incest become pretty irrelevant.
Edward serenades Bella on his piano for an unnaturally long time. Whispers of ‘OMG Edward’s perfect!’ reverberate throughout the audience. I yawn and get back to SMS-ing.
Then Edward and Bella jump out the window and die, due to some sick suicide pact.
I wish.
Instead, they just climb trees and stare at each other and mumble, while the audience dozes off. I am captivated, however, by their lack of chemistry.
OMG YOU GUYS, THE BASEBALL SCENE!! Vampire Baseball!!! It was the ultimate cheese indulgence! Alice’s legs, the lightning, the running around, Alice’s legs, the slo-mo, the jumping, the tree-climbing, Alice’s legs. Holy macaroni and cheese! I loved every bit of it, just because it was so bad, it was good!
Then, the EEEvil Vampires arrive to join the baseball game. No, I kid you not. Unfortunately, the Evil blond one – James – catches a whiff of cheap Tesco brand shampoo on Bella’s brunette locks and realises that she’s just nothing more than a pathetic Vampire Wannabe. Because vampires only use Clairol Herbal Essence! Like duh. How else can Edward’s hair have that electrocuted effect? The secret lies in the herbs, baby, the herbs. James is so enraged at how fake she is, he wants to hunt her down to the ends of the earth! POSERS AND FAKERS MUST DIE!!!
Immediately, the whole Cullen Clan take the Vampire Stance; backs arched menacingly, hands ready to scratch, legs wide apart for that extra spring, spitting, snarling, and sniveling. Their body language is clear; No one takes our Poser away! Edward tries hard not to cry. Nah, I’m kidding. Edward’s perfect, remember? Edward only cries when watching Titanic. So Edward grabs Bella and they both ride off into the twilight while his whole family gets mauled.
It turns out that, even though the town of Forks is overpopulated with helpless humans who don’t even know they’re like sitting ducks to the vampires, James has taken a special liking to Bella. He’s gonna hunt her down till she’s dead, y’all. Let this be a lesson; kids – don’t buy cheap stuff, because your life is worth more than that. This revelation leads us to the running-away-scene, insulting-the-dad-scene, hunting scene, diversion scene, then there was me checking my watch for the umpteenth time. Bella, and two of Edward’s siblings who are protecting this useless piece of chicken, check into a hotel when they arrive in Phoenix (the town where Bella used to live with her Mum). That’s when Bella gets a phone call from James The Hunter. He has her mother with him!!! And if she wants her mother to stay alive, then she has to meet him! GASP! What an unexpected turn of events! Seriously! I did not expect this AT ALL! It is so original, to use a loved one as bait! All hail Stephanie Meyer.
Bella the Genius prefers to just die a “noble death” than tell her vampire protectors what happened. I felt like throwing both my sneakers at the cinema screen. No one can be that stupid and cavalier about death, can they? Are we supposed to admire Bella for her selflessness and supreme act of sacrifice? Puh-lease. If she had no other options, like Harry in the 7th book, maybe I would have had tears coursing down my cheeks, and my hands clasped together in sympathy and pure awe. But Bella had other options, like summoning the seven vampires she has at her disposal to help her defeat one Surfer Blond Vampire.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Showdown at the Ballet Studio! Turns out, Bella’s mum isn’t there after all. James lied!! Bella is shocked over how mean James is. Then James lets his blond hair down and lectures her on how money spent on expensive shampoo is money well spent. Feel that smooth silkiness, baby. He whips out his Sony HandyCam to record the difference between his locks and Bella’s.
Bella can’t take it anymore. Not everyone has enough money to buy expensive shampoo! So she pepper-sprays him and makes a run for it. James doesn’t even bat an eyelash. He jumps on her and proceeds to slurp her blood. He notes for future references that adding pepper improves the taste considerably.
Her blood smells GOOD!
Oh, no, Bella’s gonna die! Not. Of course not. Of course Edward and co burst into the room just in time and burn James to death. Now, all that’s left of James is a single lock of golden hair that could put Galadriel to shame. The camera zooms in as Papa Cullen discreetly slips the hair into his pocket. Thank God for the white doctor coat; it has HUGE pockets.
Meanwhile, Bella is gurgling and going spastic on the floor of the studio. I hope Chris Martin is watching this – he can take a few dancing tips from her. According to Papa Cullen, only Edward can save Bella now; he has to chow down on her blood until all the poison is sucked out of her. Ooookaaaay. Edward smiles lustily. He is warm for her form.
Blood is delicious. Blood is warm. And best of all, blood is goooood. Especially when concentrated pepper is added. Edward is on the verge of gobbling Bella up; he can’t believe she tastes so irrevocably and intoxicatingly excellent. He doesn’t know about the pepper. Shhh, don’t tell him. We see black-and-white visions that Edward is experiencing. Bella is really living up to be Edward’s personal brand of heroin. Edward doesn’t seem to want to let go. Papa Cullen calmly tells Edward to find his inner will to resist temptation, instead of simply punching the lights out of him.
Scene fades into black.
Bella… she is ALIVE! Dang. Looks like Edward can resist temptation after all. He is certified perfection. I bet his blood would taste delicious even without pepper added. Bella blubbers over how she can’t live without Edward. She loves him, you see. She is 100% sure, at the age of 16 (or whatever her age is), that she has found her soulmate, and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Her eternal life. ‘Make me a vampire,’ breathes Bella through heavy-lidded eyes, and tries to heave her non-existent cleavage.
Yup, Bella is willing to give up her friends, family, KFC, and life as she knows it, to be with Edward forever and ever. Because this isn’t puppy love! This isn’t the imbalanced hormones talking! This is True Love. She knows it. She can feel it.
See what loneliness can do to you?
Edward, being perfect, knows Bella’s being a first-class idiot. It comes with being a teenager, along with thoughts of suicide, angst, and over-productive oil glands. He tells her no. The movie ends with Bella narrating that she is determined to become a vampire. For a guy.
But, he’s not just any guy!!! He’s Edward Cullen, the most perfect man on earth!!! And don’t you forget it!
