He is a devastatingly inhumanly beautiful vampire who doesn’t drink human blood!
His unearthly, wise, deeply soulful eyes change colour according to
He can read people’s minds!
He is a sensitive, aged soul whose bedroom is littered with books (OMFG he READS!!! And they’re not even COMICS!!) and he plays the
When he is exposed to the sun, he doesn’t weaken or spontaneously combust into fire and ashes (Ew!).
He – wait for it – sparkles.
Like a DIAMOND.
(“You’re beautiful,” breathes Bella, unconditionally and irrevocably in love, while the rest of the cinema, which is, naturally, full of giggly tweens, swoons along with her.)
BUT YOU GUYS THAT’S, LIKE, NOT JUST ALL. SERIOUSLY I’M NOT KIDDING YOU.
THE BESTEST BEST PART OF IT IS:
He doesn’t fall in love with another heavenly beautiful vampire and make vamplings together for the next century while we all grow stale, old and smelly. Instead, he falls in love with a human girl who is awkward, shy, lonely, uncharismatic, ordinary, boring and only slightly pretty, just like all of us!!!
OK, TIME OUT.
OH EDWARD CULLEN, WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE YOU WERE WRITTEN AND CREATED BY A TWEEN FANFIC WRITER WHO SELF-INSERTS AND IS IN LOVE WITH HER OWN CHARACTER???
*ducks as fangirls and the many self-professed wives of Edward Cullen throw rotten tomatoes, sachets of fake blood and white makeup powder this way*
I’ll admit, I’ve never read the books. Maybe if I did, I would probably have been swept along with the “I love Edward Cullen" disease that has infected almost every girl and woman who have read it, regardless of age. I heard about the book when I was seventeen, but was never interested in reading it. Maybe because it sounded like Just Another Teen Novel. Instead, I got hooked on Gossip Girl, which, during that time, was a completely original idea, but has now spawned more copycats than Jack The Ripper.
Then BOOM! In 2008, suddenly Twilight was everywhere.
And that made me want to read it even less. Because if there’s one thing I hate doing, it’s jumping on bandwagons. I loathe bandwagons. If I could, I’d torch a bandwagon by moonlight, and then stand back, look cool in my black trench coat and Pasar Malam sunglasses that reflect the bonfire I created, and laugh maniacally while tentatively sipping apple juice.
But I digress.
One day, while walking towards the Teen Readers section of One Utama’s MPH (I’m both proud and ashamed that I’ve been haunting that area for 7 years), Twilight was, again, shoved into my face via the bookstand in the centre. Twilight was practically spilling off the shelves, thanks to the release of the last book in the series.
Oh bite me, curiosity. I picked up the book for the twentieth time in my life. But what was different this time was that I didn’t just read the super-cheesy back cover. I opened the book and read it, while trying to ignore the blisters my wedges were giving me.
I wish I could say that, just by reading the first few lines, it was like a hole had opened in the roof of MPH and sunlight shone upon me.
I wish I could say I felt like committing corporal mortification on myself for ignorantly depriving myself of this literary gem all these years.
I wish I could have cried out loud there in MPH, with my arms widespread and face directed towards the heavens, ‘AT LAST! Another novel that can beat Potter in its genre!’
I wish I could say I ran straight to the cashier like a thousand vampires all named James were obsessively hunting me down , plonked the cash on the counter like a gangsta, and then ran all the way home so fast, it was as if I was riding on Edward Cullen’s back.
Instead, I got bonked in the head. Again, again, and – oh wait! – again by the clichés that were flying towards me from the pages. You gotta give the clichés credit; they were fast, furious and came with a vengeance.
Cliché #1: Bella Swann, main character. Quiet, loner type who doesn’t have much friends. Clumsy. Beautiful, but doesn’t realize it (hahahahaha! How many times have we heard that before??). Spunky(?) Attracts the attention of all the guys and girls in her new school (see: Cliché #2) by just existing (I smell a Mary Sue). Falls in love with the one guy who dares to not fall at her feet.
Cliché #2: The book starts with Bella moving to a New City and a New School. It’s so original I wanted to cry in ecstasy.
Cliché #3: Mother and daughter are complete opposites, but super-close. Daughter is not close with Dad, even though they actually have a lot in common. You don’t say!!
Cliché #4: The mandatory Cafeteria Scene (no teen novel can be published without one, it seems) where the social hierarchy is drawn and the inhumanly beautiful Cullens are introduced. Bella’s attention, of course, is immediately diverted towards the lonely group, and she asks about them.
Cliché #5: Edward Cullen. Have you not read the beginning of my post?
Mind you, I spotted these clichés after reading only a few pages while leaning on the bookshelf and switching the pressure on each foot to make the blisters hurt less. (I know, I could have just sat down on the floor and spared myself the pain. But the book was many points shy of being Sitting-Down-On-The-Floor-Of-MPH-Worthy, so I just put it back on the shelf). Who knows? Maybe if I actually bought the book and finished it, the list of clichés would probably exceed my impressive height of 147cm.
The thing is, right, I usually don’t mind clichés. Heck, there are so many books in the world that it’s entirely impossible to avoid using ‘em. And besides, clichés are clichés for a reason; the audience laps it up. Clichés certainly wouldn’t stop me from reading a book.
BUT A BOOK THAT IS BORING SURE AS HELL STOPS ME FROM READING IT.
I’m sorry, but there was nothing witty or remotely funny in the first few pages! And call me shallow, or dumb, or an inexperienced reader, but I need a book that can make me *happy* and smile. I need a book that is written delightfully and charmingly and with the author’s distinct flavor. A book with a clichéd storyline or plot is inevitable – the beauty of it is that it is supposed to be unique because of the way the author writes is.
Yes, I’m talking about writing style here. And I was so bored with the way Stephanie Meyers constructed her sentences. She didn’t play with the words. She didn’t use any irony. She didn’t write amusing metaphors. Heck, she wasn’t even entertaining because she was NOT FUNNY.
I was scared I was the only one who thought that, considering how so many people loved the books. But (Thank God!) a search on the web made me realize I wasn’t alone. I remember one person saying that they read the books not for the writing, but for the story.
But enough complaining about a book I didn’t even finish reading! (Since there is always the chance that, one day, I might actually end up reading the book and completely loving it. Because, you know, the majority can’t be wrong, right?) Let’s talk about the movie.
It sucked. Big time. There is absolutely no redeeming quality to it.
It started off okay, though I got distracted by the weird camera movements and overall lack of colour (this is, of course, before Edward S*P*A*R*K*L*E*S. Like A DIAMOND! Then the whole screen lights up. Heck, the whole cinema hall lights up from all the widespread grins and sparkly teeth showing from the breathlessly-in-love audience).
We meet Bella, who just moved in with her divorced dad in a completely different town. Bella, we soon learn, is boring, mumbles a lot, and bumps and crashes into things, in a glaringly not-funny way. Bella goes to school and is famous and popular for no apparent reason other than being the new kid. Despite not even being remotely interesting or receptive to the welcome she gets, everybody wants to impress The Mighty Bella and kiss her shiny metal ass. When Bella deigns to talk to someone, regardless of whether they’re a guy or a girl, that person pees in their happy pants, dies, and gets fed to the vampires.
Of course, Bella is immediately attracted to the group of people who don’t give a shit if she even burped their way. Because, like, you know, they are so pale and gorgeous and cool and untouchable and they don’t mix with the likes of (SPOILER ALERT!!!) HUMANS such as Bella Swann, That Blond Dude, The Girl With The Big Boobs, The Girl With The Glasses, and The Asian Dude. But Bella, predictably, wants what she can’t have. And what she wants is Edward Cullen Delight.
The devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful siblings. Meh. Mine are better-looking.
Bla bla bla, Biology class, Bella takes empty seat next to (GUESS WHO?!) Edward, Edward thinks Bella’s smelly, Belly is outraged that Edward doesn’t want to give her ass a peck. Come on, Edward, my pasty-faced darling! It’s shiny! And metal! (Can’t do anything about the rust though).
Edward disappears. For a few days. His absence is neither explained nor important.
Edward reappears. Edward apologises during Biology class. They banter. It is not humorous nor interesting nor expository. The weird camera zooms in several times to Edward’s eyes. Okay. We get it, Camera People. He has inhumanly beautiful black eyes that sear your soul, are wise beyond their years, and appear to have witnessed things too wondrous to even speak of. He is also wearing contact lenses so obvious, I could see the outlines of it.
Bella is either really dumb, or just too caught up with herself, because she doesn’t notice it when Edward Cullen changes his contact lenses. As they walk along the corridor, she notes his change of eye colour.
The camera zooms in several times, for good measure, so that the audience can see the contact lenses clearly, just in case they missed it earlier. Edward, unable to believe this chick is that stupid, and also unwilling to pass up the chance to totally mess with the new kid, ponders over whether to tell her his eyes change colour based on his mood, or on the weather. Not realizing the endless possibilities he has by espousing on the former, he chooses the latter. Idiot. They so suit each other. Bella is impressed, because she thought that cool, useless tricks like that existed only in the Anne Rice fanfics she writes (and gets flamed for).
Meanwhile, in another scene entirely, three Obviously EEEvil Vampires strut towards the camera, emanating cruelty and wickedness and bad acting. It’s like something from Smallville. The camera turns, and we face… a Human! NOOOOO!!! Don’t drink him! He has a wife! And a baby! Probably. These vampires are so EEEvil, and they want you to know that. Like, they jump around a lot, and snarl, and act badly, and worse; they like to play with their food. Thankfully, these EEEvil Vampires are not as stupid as Edward, who doesn’t know how to apply vampire makeup properly, and confuses hunger for love. (Or maybe he just loves Bella the way I love pasta). The Evil Trio commits murder. 90’s music is played in the background. So cool.
Bla bla bla, Edward accidentally reveals his super-powered secret to Bella by saving her from an out-of-control car. It’s almost awesome. It’s like, one minute he’s gazing longingly/glaringly menacingly/eyeing aloofly (it’s hard to tell, since Edward has exactly one facial expression underneath all that makeup) at Bella from across the parking lot, the next, he’s all over Bella, one hand feeling her up, the other making a dent in the car to stop it from crashing into Bella’s delicate, emo bones. Wow! If Edward hadn’t run so fast, even Vitagen wouldn’t have been able so save our poor heroine from such a bone-crushing, timely death…
'Oops! Too much action going on down there,' Edward realises.
Meanwhile, our big dumb vampire Edward realizes that he just saved Bella’s life instead of leaving her to die and doing us all a favour, regrets it, and promptly disappears into thin air, leaving Bella to be stampeded to death by an angry mob of students furious that she had survived the hit, after all. Yay!
Dammit, like all Mary Sues, Bella somehow reincarnates herself into the hospital. Handy. Then Edward’s foster dad walks into the set to finish where his son left off. Edward’s foster dad, Papa Cullen, clearly was in the middle of experimenting with wifey’s makeup when he was called to the hospital. I swear that’s Revlon ColourStay smeared clumsily on his lips, in the shade of Ruby Rouge. But methinks he confused the pancake batter for foundation. Like father, like son. Papa Cullen pronounces Bella as completely healthy and tells her to get lost so that he can go back home and rummage for the makeup remover. Thank God for the white doctor coat; it totally hid the fact that he was also wearing wifey’s prom dress back from the 1600’s. But first; lecture time!
Edward can barely listen to Papa Cullen’s lecture, he’s just too amazed over how something as inexpensive as pancake batter can look that good on a vampire’s skin. Gotta try it out, Edward muses, as Daddy demands to know why the hell Eddy risked spilling the family secret just to save a human as pathetic as Bella. Don’t we all wanna know.
Naturally, Bella is eavesdropping for vampiriffic makeup tips. She shakes her head. Pancake batter does no favours. At all. Unfortunately, shaking her head causes her tiny, lonely brain to bounce around in her skull so loudly, the Cullens spot her hiding not-so-discreetly behind the imaginary wall.
That night, Bella promptly has wet dreams about Edward La Saviour, clutching her pillows desperately and getting thoroughly turned on in her sleep. Edward, full-on Stalker Mode, is in her bedroom and watching her enjoy herself. I know -- sweet giler. I am so in love with Edward Cullen.
Not.
Filler. A LOT of filler.
Critical Thinking 101 with Jacob (guy with the long hair) by the beach. Native Americans are werewolves. White Anglo-Saxons are vampires. Therefore, Edward Cullen MUST be a vampire. Bella’s suspicions are confirmed.
Edward saves Bella AGAIN. This time, from almost being raped. He appears out of nowhere, gives the rapists the Evil Vampire Face (patented by Angel, and apparently too awful for us to see, because the camera won’t give us a peek) and whisks Belly, I mean Bella, away in his VampMobile; a silver Honda.
And his hair? Not a single strand out of place. The whole time. This movie is so unrealistic.
Edward is icy, figuratively and literally, it seems, when Bella cops a feel of his long, slender, perfect fingers using the tried-and-tested, both-reaching-for-the-radio ruse. The 90’s music becomes even more ominous, and this time, not just because it sounds 90’s.
It is The Moment Of Truth. Edward tells Bella that he’s attracted to her because (drumrolls, please) he can’t read her mind. He can read everyone’s mind except her. Like, WTF?! DUDE. That is NOT flattering! Tell her you like the way she laughs, or her button nose, or her fanfics she writes under the penname of ToxicAngel93 – just say ANYTHING that sounds like a compliment! But saying you like her because you can’t read her effin MIND?! Are you out of YOURS?!
But that’s not all. Edward has to add, ‘you’re like my personal brand of heroin.’
Bella thinks, great, he’s addicted to me, can’t get enough of me, and he’s dependant on me. Just like a drug that permanently addles your brain. We watch as the cogs in her mind start moving. Oh boy, she thinks, I hit the jackpot, baby!
Fast forward to Edward admitting the obvious; ‘I’m not a killer’. Dude, we can tell. But to prove his point, he glitters in the sun . Finally, finally, my brother Firdaus and I explode into laughter in the cinema. It’s hands down the best part of the movie. My little sister Aida informs me that she’s getting goosebumps from the sheer cheesiness.
The camera, by the way, is in the throes of a fully blown orgasm. It sweeps here, swoops there, and makes 360 degrees turns around our tragically-in-love couple.
Edward explains that he actually liked Bella’s smelly armpits during their first Biology class. Too much, in fact – he was actually struggling not to give Bella The Hickey of Death. ‘Sounds hot,’ Bella says, ‘and I trust you. Because you’re hot.’
Edward further explains he and the rest of his family don’t drink human blood. ‘We consider ourselves vegetarians,’ he says, and exposits that they just drink animal blood. Umm, ‘vegetarians’? Doesn’t he mean ‘humanitarians’?
‘Is this supposed to be sweet?!’ I hissed to Firdaus, who happened to be watching the movie for the second time, as Bella and Edward lie down on the grass and don’t say anything because even they know they’re too boring for words. The camera starts to get freakin high, y’all.
Bella comes over to Edward’s house for dinner. We learn that his siblings aren’t just vampires. They’re incestuous vampires. Understandable. I mean, when you become a vampire, such human taboos like cannibalism and incest become pretty irrelevant.
Edward serenades Bella on his piano for an unnaturally long time. Whispers of ‘OMG Edward’s perfect!’ reverberate throughout the audience. I yawn and get back to SMS-ing.
Then Edward and Bella jump out the window and die, due to some sick suicide pact.
I wish.
Instead, they just climb trees and stare at each other and mumble, while the audience dozes off. I am captivated, however, by their lack of chemistry.
OMG YOU GUYS, THE BASEBALL SCENE!! Vampire Baseball!!! It was the ultimate cheese indulgence! Alice’s legs, the lightning, the running around, Alice’s legs, the slo-mo, the jumping, the tree-climbing, Alice’s legs. Holy macaroni and cheese! I loved every bit of it, just because it was so bad, it was good!
Then, the EEEvil Vampires arrive to join the baseball game. No, I kid you not. Unfortunately, the Evil blond one – James – catches a whiff of cheap Tesco brand shampoo on Bella’s brunette locks and realises that she’s just nothing more than a pathetic Vampire Wannabe. Because vampires only use Clairol Herbal Essence! Like duh. How else can Edward’s hair have that electrocuted effect? The secret lies in the herbs, baby, the herbs. James is so enraged at how fake she is, he wants to hunt her down to the ends of the earth! POSERS AND FAKERS MUST DIE!!!
Immediately, the whole Cullen Clan take the Vampire Stance; backs arched menacingly, hands ready to scratch, legs wide apart for that extra spring, spitting, snarling, and sniveling. Their body language is clear; No one takes our Poser away! Edward tries hard not to cry. Nah, I’m kidding. Edward’s perfect, remember? Edward only cries when watching Titanic. So Edward grabs Bella and they both ride off into the twilight while his whole family gets mauled.
It turns out that, even though the town of Forks is overpopulated with helpless humans who don’t even know they’re like sitting ducks to the vampires, James has taken a special liking to Bella. He’s gonna hunt her down till she’s dead, y’all. Let this be a lesson; kids – don’t buy cheap stuff, because your life is worth more than that. This revelation leads us to the running-away-scene, insulting-the-dad-scene, hunting scene, diversion scene, then there was me checking my watch for the umpteenth time. Bella, and two of Edward’s siblings who are protecting this useless piece of chicken, check into a hotel when they arrive in Phoenix (the town where Bella used to live with her Mum). That’s when Bella gets a phone call from James The Hunter. He has her mother with him!!! And if she wants her mother to stay alive, then she has to meet him! GASP! What an unexpected turn of events! Seriously! I did not expect this AT ALL! It is so original, to use a loved one as bait! All hail Stephanie Meyer.
Bella the Genius prefers to just die a “noble death” than tell her vampire protectors what happened. I felt like throwing both my sneakers at the cinema screen. No one can be that stupid and cavalier about death, can they? Are we supposed to admire Bella for her selflessness and supreme act of sacrifice? Puh-lease. If she had no other options, like Harry in the 7th book, maybe I would have had tears coursing down my cheeks, and my hands clasped together in sympathy and pure awe. But Bella had other options, like summoning the seven vampires she has at her disposal to help her defeat one Surfer Blond Vampire.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Showdown at the Ballet Studio! Turns out, Bella’s mum isn’t there after all. James lied!! Bella is shocked over how mean James is. Then James lets his blond hair down and lectures her on how money spent on expensive shampoo is money well spent. Feel that smooth silkiness, baby. He whips out his Sony HandyCam to record the difference between his locks and Bella’s.
Bella can’t take it anymore. Not everyone has enough money to buy expensive shampoo! So she pepper-sprays him and makes a run for it. James doesn’t even bat an eyelash. He jumps on her and proceeds to slurp her blood. He notes for future references that adding pepper improves the taste considerably.
Her blood smells GOOD!
Oh, no, Bella’s gonna die! Not. Of course not. Of course Edward and co burst into the room just in time and burn James to death. Now, all that’s left of James is a single lock of golden hair that could put Galadriel to shame. The camera zooms in as Papa Cullen discreetly slips the hair into his pocket. Thank God for the white doctor coat; it has HUGE pockets.
Meanwhile, Bella is gurgling and going spastic on the floor of the studio. I hope Chris Martin is watching this – he can take a few dancing tips from her. According to Papa Cullen, only Edward can save Bella now; he has to chow down on her blood until all the poison is sucked out of her. Ooookaaaay. Edward smiles lustily. He is warm for her form.
Blood is delicious. Blood is warm. And best of all, blood is goooood. Especially when concentrated pepper is added. Edward is on the verge of gobbling Bella up; he can’t believe she tastes so irrevocably and intoxicatingly excellent. He doesn’t know about the pepper. Shhh, don’t tell him. We see black-and-white visions that Edward is experiencing. Bella is really living up to be Edward’s personal brand of heroin. Edward doesn’t seem to want to let go. Papa Cullen calmly tells Edward to find his inner will to resist temptation, instead of simply punching the lights out of him.
Scene fades into black.
Bella… she is ALIVE! Dang. Looks like Edward can resist temptation after all. He is certified perfection. I bet his blood would taste delicious even without pepper added. Bella blubbers over how she can’t live without Edward. She loves him, you see. She is 100% sure, at the age of 16 (or whatever her age is), that she has found her soulmate, and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Her eternal life. ‘Make me a vampire,’ breathes Bella through heavy-lidded eyes, and tries to heave her non-existent cleavage.
Yup, Bella is willing to give up her friends, family, KFC, and life as she knows it, to be with Edward forever and ever. Because this isn’t puppy love! This isn’t the imbalanced hormones talking! This is True Love. She knows it. She can feel it.
See what loneliness can do to you?
Edward, being perfect, knows Bella’s being a first-class idiot. It comes with being a teenager, along with thoughts of suicide, angst, and over-productive oil glands. He tells her no. The movie ends with Bella narrating that she is determined to become a vampire. For a guy.
But, he’s not just any guy!!! He’s Edward Cullen, the most perfect man on earth!!! And don’t you forget it!
63 owl(s) hooting:
Hahahah, you're hilarious. I'm just a random reader btw...
And I read Twilight and all its sequels because I have to finish reading something once I start it and I honestly think that Bella's locked up somewhere in a mental institution high on drugs and imagining things to keep herself entertained because I have never read anything with such horribly drafted one sided characters before. It's funny how everyone revolves around her. It's stupid how they're always standing around throwing lame jokes and laughing at how adorable she is. Puke.
I think that Stephenie Meyer made superficial characters even more pretentious and fake and then convinced everyone that it was a bestseller worthy of its own movie remake is the genius in all this and a commendable feat.
But argh, she made vampires gay and bimbotic. She made werewolves pathetic growly animals. She made humans stupid and useless... High School Musical was more exciting.
It's like Stephenie Meyer was this uncool social reject in school who spent all her time dreaming about fitting in with the untouchable popular crowd and decided to write a long winded 3000+ page story of it.
If I were stuck in some hole somewhere I'd dream up imaginary hotties who dote on me too and have the whole "popular" clique revolve around me and think I'm interesting and amazing and blablabla... I wouldn't put it down in a book though because it would be just too embarrassing.
What really grates me is how big this teenybopper bullshit is. I can't believe we're buying her swill.
Why ARE we buying her swill?
Seriously man, I don't see how Meyer got this big. Ok, so I haven't read the book, but it's only because I got bored in the first chapter. Shoudn't stories always start off with something exciting going on? Reading the first few pages of Twilight felt like reading some random emo girl's diary.BORING.
PENAT SUNGGUH NAK MEMBACANYA. PANJANGgggggggggggggggggggg...
hahahahaha
p.s: MALAS NAK SIGN IN kat akaun blogspot. Jadi anon boleh kan...
ekekekeke
errr...
"He doesn’t fall in love with another heavenly beautiful vampire and make vamplings together for the next century while we all grow stale, old and smelly. Instead, he falls in love with a human girl who is awkward, shy, lonely, uncharismatic, ordinary, boring and only slightly pretty, just like all of us!!!"
but... i am not just like u. It`s mean i`m included in the group "JUST LIKE US"?
hahahahaha
'James, don't play with food...' OMG, that was so cheesy.
Yeah, I felt like I was reading Point Horror back in my tweens when watching this. I thought these kind of stuff don't exist anymore.
Maybe they don't, that's probably why it's such a big hit. The book brought cliche back in fashion. Teens today are deprived of cliche that it's return has been embraced.
Anyway, funny post, dear. Keep writing and you'll never get to eat brownies again. Don't say I didn't warn ya.
I cannot believe I read this until the end myself!
Soooooooooooo many people are putting their headlines/starus as : " I WANT MY OWN EDWARD CULLEN!"
ok fuck that i dont think the guy is good looking pun. i want to TRY reading the book and watching the movie, now that you've given your review hehehe. BUT BUT AM OH SO MALASSSSZZZ. later lah. my friend's been buggin me to read the book, because it is (quoted) "brilliant gila !" and such.
and another advised me to read it because i read sarah dessen. i love sarah dessen and knowing that kinda scares me a little hahaha.
anywho. this will all go away in a week or two ;)
fufufu
you really write when free, yeah?
omg, omg..hey, PC fair is around the corner..12-14 dec 2008..
i know you like it!
btw how's result?
i got deans list..but not that happy tho, its not that good..
how r u?
Have you seen this trailer spoof?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dompotjTeIA
Yea, despite the reading I did on two of her books..she bore me in the end. The movie? DOn't even think about it. 80% at the theatre are girl/woman/gays.
this is cool!
honestly, i read at the end part only.
ohh man! i can't stand it.
HAHA.
i'll try again =D
nice one ;)
honey when I saw the length of this post, especially since it's about Twilight, I rest my case.
I made up my mind pretty quickly that I will never see the movie or read the book when I saw a peek of it's making and a dash of the guy actor's profile on hmm, hbo? and no, I don't care if half of the world's female population are raising their eyebrows at me for not knowing -or bothered to know- the guy's name.
Not my cuppa tea, sowy. but I'm sure you're wacky as usual xD
u're using ur hp number now or are u still in hiding? ;-)
omg omg xD u rock man!!
ANISAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u r just sooooo talented
man...i dont know what to say seeing i'm like the biggest twihard out there.
generally i wud say fak u to anyone who thrashes twilight but hey, u have ur opinions n i have mine. n btw, i friggin love the way steph meyer writes.
i have to admit the movie is bad but it's sort of a low-budget film compared to other major hollywood films. so u cant rly entirely blame the whole lame special effects n poor camera handling shiz.
i oso dun think it's entirely too cliche compared to other teen novels (believe me i've read A LOT) n the cliches u listed down r not dat big of a cliche compared to the whole gossip girl thing. tho im with u with the whole "not-jumping-on-duh-bandwagon" shiz but i read twilight waaay before the fame so yeah. n i think u ordy have this mindset thing that the book is goin to be bad frm the beginning so dat explains it i guess.
honestly i didnt read the whole entry coz it was too long for me to handle all the thrashing tho i was actually waiting to see u write a post bout it. to know what u think la.
*shrugs*
Thanks for the input, everyone! Glad that most of you enjoyed the post as much as I did writing it. To those of you who think it's too long and don't want to read it because of the length, I want to ask you this; do you come to this blog to read it or to play with my internet cats? But, yeah, I admit the post is VERY long. Even while I was writing it, I was like, what the hell, apasal panjang sangat ni?! I even had to take a break and continue writing it the next day. Hahaha... Kak Aisya said if I double space it, it could be a thesis.
Yang I felt bad writing this post because I remembered how much of a twilight fan you are. I knew that my words would offend a lot of twilight lovers, while amusing the haters. You can't please everyone :( That's why I made my title so anti-twilight; so that the lovers can steer clear away from reading it.
Btw, funnily enough, on the day that I posted this, Firdaus's friend, Jamilah, lent him the book because she got so tired of him bashing Edward Cullen on facebook. I'm already half-way through, and I'm tempted to write a review. I've already come up with a title: Stephanie Meyer teaches us how many ways to describe a guy as 'perfect'. But then again, enough with the twilight-bashing, eh? ;-)
Whoa, that's a LONG post!
Since when vampires sparkle when exposed to sunlight? Aren't they supposed to turn into dust, like in the Angel TV series or something?
I swear I've heard the line 'shiny metal ass' somewhere, but I just can't recall it at the moment! Haha, man, they should at least cover up the 'contact lens' scene, it's as if they want to emphasise that it's a low budget film. And haha, VEGETARIAN? Like, what, Edward drinks Vegetable blood? XD
Man, the funniest moment has to be why Edward fell for Bella! Like, because he can't read her mind? I bet he can't read yours either! I mean, c'mon, he can give a BETTER reason than that, right? Like the way Bella smiles or walks or talks or the shape of her nose or how sweet her eyes are or perhaps how caring she is, or how shiny her metal ass is :p
But Bella is another fella. Want to become a vampire just for love? Doesn't she want to die a normal death and go to heaven or something? Sheesh, is this really love? Or does she too believe in 'jodoh'?!
In an age where every damn director wants to make a movie out of a novel that becomes popular all of a sudden, this post is definitely a breath of fresh air. Heck, this whole post could actually be the precursor of a novel, and if it does... who knows if it'd become a movie!
GAWD.. I too tak bleh blah that I read the whole entry!
Im fascinated with girls' fascination towards Edward Cullen.
But then again, it IS a chic lit so its natural to have even the most sensible writer fueling the fantasy of virgin tweens. And that includes you! Hahaha.
Whatever it is make sure you end your fantasy with: If only...
Tell me how the aftertaste is like.
I am ashamed of myself! I watched the movie and didnt think it was that bad. I felt that it was corny and cheesy but i guess i was too proud and wanted to win so i didn't budge when my boyfriend went on complaining about the movie ten mins into it. ahahaha
Good Review babe.
It's a volvo la. not a honda. lol.
lain lain.... haha.
Pretty true somehow. hahaha. Im waiting to read the books if there's any chance it could b better than the movie. I hope :)
yeah enuff wit the twilite bashing. :D tho the title of the post dat u wan to do the review on is funny. cracked me up!
Haha Anisah good job on the twi-bashing! Very original.
Okay I'm pointing out some stuff to you, just because I feel like it ;)
1. It's Bella SWAN.
2. Edward's eyes change colour according to his hunger, or 'thirst'.
3. The Cullens are not incestuous. Alice Cullen is with Jasper Hale and Rosalie Hale is with Emmett Cullen. They're all not really family anyway; just a bunch of vamps Carlisle Cullen changed.
That's all I can think of anyway.
Once again, good job on a very thorough insult to Twilight. And I mean it in a very good way :D
See you this Saturday!
twilight juz2 sweet..nice posting then..i can't wait for new moon,eclipse n breaking dawn..hopefully there's still edward cullen n bella swan there..
hahaha..hey anisah! goshes..felt like crying reading ur post. lol. ok2, u can trash da book or da movie..but dont trash edward!! i mean, at least he is better looking da the rest of the guys out there. =)
well, speaking on behalf of my case of coz. haha
well, c u in campus then!
1 word- HILARIOUS!!
sorry x dpt g to the rantai as we planned..
Hi, I'm another random reader. Girl, you got me laughing with my feet kicking in the air. Haha! Hats off!
Anyway, the movie got me curious about the way-too-hyped-up book, so I did read it, and yes it is supremely boring. I absolutely despise the way Miss Meyer kept going on an on and on and on about Edward the Gorgeous. And isn't it just a top-notch cliche that teen girls should fall in love with the most good-looking boy, no matter how dangerous and 'glittery' he is? Urgh.
Anyway, I'm reading (downloaded, not good enough to buy) the rest of the books, to see if Miss Meyer is really that shallow. Plus, you might want to note the book "Midnight Sun", the story of Twilight from Edward the Gorgeous' perspective.
Anyway, rock on ;)
omfg, this post is so hilarious tak boleh belah you got me laughing all the way, anisah! haha. =) when edward cullen was cedric diggory, i thought he was extremely boring. didnt expect he could exceed that level of boring-ness. he did. and i like the way you showed it. LOL. i read your post to the end. i couldnt stop cuz it's so funny tak boleh belah.
oh well. i was never interested in it since it first came out. the book or the movie. i sorta think it's too predictable i dont wanna waste my time being impressed with my pre-cog skills while reading something as lame as that. ergh.
wonderful post! love it!
u buat sinopsis ke? panjang gilee :P
yes, definitely u're writing boleh tahan laa gak dgn hiperbola sume.
if kamu rasa kamu lag hebat, apa kata buat novel sendiri. boleh meletop mcm stephanie meyer x?
im not big fan of twilight or even stephanie meyer pun, but honestly, tak yah laaa pk lu lgi better dri die.
Haha. I'm not into Vampires in any types. Maybe that's why I don't watch Twilight. Huhu.
i kinda think mr/miss anonymous right there missed the whole point. *sweatdrop*
I like Twilight. I even read all four books and waited for the movie for ages.
Hahaha!
But yeah, it is super cheesy.
I want an Edward Cullen, sure.
Why?
He's impossible.
The post's great n amusing.
Like always.
:)
You hurt my eyes.. O_o
its funny..
u dont like the novel / movie
but yet,
u wrote ur 2days-long comments on that
hmmm...
i think u LOVE the book / movie
but u just afraid to admit
dont wanna show ur romantic side, maybe
hehe
lol.
i read the four books.
but the movie was a lil dissapointed.
xD
try reading the entire book, then give a holistic review.
this is clearly one sided. Reading a few pages doesn't mean uve gain full insight of the characters' empathic identification within you.
The movie couldve been soooo much better though.
omg. like so panjaaaaaaaaaangggggg ok
i didnt finish reading it. lol
but ur kutuking twilight rite??
lol
i SO agree, its bloody OVER-RATED.
it was SUPER bongok
eventhough robert pattison was and is deliciously hot. he just sucked in the movie!! he was waaaaay better in HP!
n i tot Rosalie wud look hotter!
whoa!!!
blown away!!literally!!!
i love ur reviews...
who knows..
u might be a film critic one day!!
and yeah..you should write ur own novel!!!
i couldn't believe i read this till the end, hahaha
i've read your post ages ago, but i decided to read twilight nevertheless. guess what? i finished reading the first book and feeling like throwing it away, hahahaha. and then i proceed to the second book , and i couldn't get pass through 100 pages. so i decided to dump it. huh, thank God it's only in e-books format, and i don't waste a single cent on it :p
thanks anisah :D
Ohhh. I felt as if I were alone in the universe, guiltily harboring a hatred for society's newest vice: the unescapable Edward Cullen. (gags/swoons ensue)
I read every book. I went to see the movie. I tried VERY hard to like it, but the flaws are so obvious that it makes me sick.
No one else shares my hating enthusiasm, at least where I'm from. It's been SO refreshing to hear your thoughts.
You're a very entertaining writer. :) Thank you so much for taking such a long time (I know it took you awhile to write all that!) to write out such a thorough and amusing, ah, review.
hmmm..let me see..nobody's perfect girl. in fact, he's a vampire. but i may say that he's gorgeous gurl..hot and coollll...walla!!
This is probably the longest post I ever saw in any blog!
I watched this movie when it came out last month (was it last month? don't remember) and thought it a complete bore. Edward and Bella just kept gazing at each other! I felt like I was intruding in on their privacy.
There are some flaws in the movie but um, I'm not going to take the trouble and analyze them one by one as I have other things to do besides obsess over Twilight.
But yeah, I like the baseball scene. I like the score. Don't remember how it sounded like, were they playing a song by Muse?
As much as I thought there was too much gazing, I'm actually looking forward to buying the DVD and watching it again. :)
i just looked on this by accident.i luv twilight.i read all the books and saw the movie.movie could have been better but im still goin 2 get it on dvd.anyway i didn`t really get ur story,i actually skipped most of it.i kinda found it borin and stupid but thats just my opinion.right then.8ter.
As that saying (cliche?) goes, “One man’s meat is another man’s poison.” I read the books with an open mind and made sure that I read all 4 books before writing my review.
I agree with you that Stephenie Meyer is not the best writer in terms of style and definitely not for brevity. Like I said, (i) the books need a lot more editing (or chopping off) and (ii) if I based my review on the first 3 chapters of the book, I would have stopped reading myself. The author, herself, acknowledges that she didn’t expect to get published when the assistant at Writer’s House asked for the first 3 chapters because, in her own words, “the beginning of the book wasn’t the strongest part” (see http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/twilight.html). But she lacks in writing style, she makes up for it with her ability to spin a good yarn (sorry, can’t stop myself from using yet another cliche hehe).
I’ve read your review and I think it’s more of a review of the movie, not the book. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but from your review, I believe people who read the book will understand the movie better. Yes, a lot of the things are unbelievable (sparkling skin, etc) but this is a fantasy, remember?
Many books are fantastic but the movies fail miserably. Some movies based on bestselling novels end up as blockbusters, like ‘Jurassic Park’, but I still feel the movie didn’t do justice to the book, even if it’s a Steven Spielberg film. In my mind, I feel the Twilight books can make fantastic movies, as all the elements are already there. It’s all in the execution.
The Twilight series is, first and foremost, a love story and is not on the same plane as Harry Potter. (I enjoyed HP myself. It’s a worldwide bestseller BUT some people may find it juvenile. Again, back to the meat & poison thing.)
As for Edward’s unexplainable attraction towards Bella, try reading ‘Midnight Sun’ (http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/pdf/midnightsun_chapter1.pdf). It will explain things better, as it’s written from Edward’s perspective.
But even in the real world, I can assure you that people fall in love for reasons beyond reason :)
I just saw the movie last night and immediately posted a review -> http://www.sleeplessinkl.com/2009/02/17/twilight-the-movie-a-review-from-the-point-of-view-of-someone-who-loved-the-book-series#more-785
I completely agree with you. This very biting criticism was more entertaining than all 4 books combined--yes, i am ashamed to admit i have read them, and even understand why they have enthralled so many people. It's because they're idiots, with Stephanie Meyer as the ringleader. I suggest you watch the Twilight Trailor spoof on YouTube--far better than the movie itself.
commenting on this blog feeling like i'm jumping on a bandwagon, as so many comments have been posted to this particular post... but who cares?
YOU. ARE. EFFIN. AMAAAYYYYZIN!!
a fan you have gained in the form of this humble soul..
much love..
Your writing is very good. You have a good sense of humour too^^
I can't stop laughing reading ur book/movie "review".
You go girl!
...okay, yes the movie sucked! But get real! You can't judge something you have not read all the way, that is retarded! Harry Potter was so boring when I first read part-but then i had to read until like chapter 5 to get into it. So if you are a big reader you would know, you can’t just read the first part of a book, you have to at least give it a fair chance. Twilight the book is not like the movies, and if you have a brain you would actual read the book before you decide to go anti-twilight. Seems like you know the movie pretty well...for someone you didn't like it... the movie was ridiculous, and I wanted to throw up. They did a horrible job. But seriously Twilight is a classic. And it sounds more like you are trying not to be a follower so much, that you convinced yourself before you even read part of it, that you hated it...and if you don't like the plot that much...you try to write a book, that a appeals to so many people without being a little 'cliché'. Oh and if you're not big into jumping on the band wagon and reading cliché books, HA! Then why in the world do you like the Gossip girls?! Wow...that is kind of hypocritical... But that's MY opinion...
god, you're hilarious. I pretty much agree with everything, although I did read all the books >.>. the movie sucked, however, and you did an amazing job pointing out all its flaws!
why am i rereading this for the umpteenth time??
haha
Haha! Liz, since you're a twilight-lover, I thought you'd hate what I wrote :P
i love the review! its even more fun then the movie and the book combined together.... bravo!
Yeah like everhone else, i can't believe i read it to the end. But i couldn't be bovvered 2 read all the comments. Soz. I though twilight was ok, the book and the film, until i read this! She TOTALLY used her own ideas!
Twilight is very VERY cheesy. I mean, why do all the good things happen to people who are in love with themselves? Why? Bella is, of course, a normal (well that's one word for her)girl who EVERYONE LIKES! Mike, Tyler, Eric, Jacob, Edward.......... Ok lets look at it from the other perspective. Who doesn't like her?
Um........er..........Nope. Can't think of any. Can you? Bella's life with Edward is just a normal dreamers one; which most stories are about these days.
I think Stephenie Meyer could be a really really good writer if she thought up her own ideas. She is a good writer anyway; the book is quite good apart from all the 'OMG that was so goona happen anyway' bits. The movie however is a bit obvious. Cheesy. You are SSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO funny by the way! I didn't think the film was that bad, until you pointed out all the ROFL bits(roll on the floor laughing)
You are brilliant, and like somone else said, you should so write your own novels. Thank you for putting a smile on my face :)
you are such a COW
twilight is one hell of
a lot better than the CRAP
you write. GET A GRIP.
He doesn’t fall in love with another heavenly beautiful vampire and make vamplings together for the next century-
you are a dick.
vampires can't
getpreggers so
you should read
the books before
making yourself
look like the giant
tosser you are.
OMG!!...ur really good at this...love ur description...actually even I found the movie to be "not that great"...n one very cool thing abt ur work is tht i wanted to keep reading...no matter how much u insulted Edward Cullen (u cn talk trash abt Bella, i dnt like her either), i still wanted to continue...u hv a great style of writing...too cool!!...
Well I got 3 of her books because my friend keep on giving them. (She thought I love them) - I can't stop people who wants to give presents, can I. )
The books are boring. I can make a review on her books because I read them. You didn't. And you shouldn't give the whole Stephanie Meyer's book is not good. How can a person gives a comment when he/she just read a couple of paragraph. It's not fair. No?
Yes. Stephanie's writing is typical and boring. But maybe because she thought she was writing for teenagers. She never thought it could be a hit. Maybe if I read Twilight when I was 13, I would be dreaming about Edward Cullen.
But yeah, I'm old.
i came across this accidently.. and thought it was the biggest load of rubbish ever.
fancy your self as a writer do you ?
dream on darling.
i think your an extreemly shalow and uninteligent and un observent kind of geeky person who spends two days of there life passionatly writing a reveiw on twilight. when you 'apparently' hate it. sad i must say !
ohh sorry .. do you think i'm judging you ?
just like you have with the book twilight.. when you've only read a few pages?
cliche ? no. this book and film is very original.. it would be impossible to write it totally unprodictable and differenly.
maybe you should try writing a novel like that your self honey!
i'd love to read it (:
NOT !
and if you havent grasped the concept of the film .. its not ment to be a whitty comedy.
your no comidian your self by any strech of imagination either love.
i and the majority of the population happen to love stephanie meyer's style of writing.
she writes every word with such thought and care. there are so many passionate and mind blowing scences it took my breathe away.
oh sorry .. you've not even read the book have you.
did your teacher ever teach you reading at school ?
ABOUT THE FiLM ..
whats not to like ?
how is it a low budget film ?
just because its not full of action,flashing lights and space ships?
i think the camera angles, colour , lighting etc.. makes it even more realistic looking !
rather that than some silly air brushed barbie doll !
edward culen - robert pattison .. is an excellent actor ! he portrays every many girls dream boy .
i mean whats not to like ?
we all need a fantasy.
i reckon you've been a bit inlucky in love ;] .
is that it ?
your jealous of edward and bella ?
and the chemestry and passion of there relationship ?
never mindd chicken..there's nothing wrong with living alone with 27 cats :)
but .. then again i dont kno you do i ?
just like you didnt know the book twilight .. but you still judged it :D
so im doing the same :D
what goes around comes around darlin.
maybe you should watch the film again ? grasp it better ?
for starters - edwards eyes change according to thirst. NOT weather !
i think bella is a very interesting character. just because shes not like lots of people .. the typical fake high school barbie. with a loud mouth,fake nails and a large set of friends doesnt make her boring !
i love how everything is from her prospect :).
oh yeah - also .. edward doesnt love bella because he thirsts for her blood .. or cannot read her mind ! that just made him curious at first ! he wanted to eat her for godsake ! . yet getting to know her more made him realise he's been waitng for her his whole life.
ykno FATE ?
LOVE ?
DUHHHHHHH ? !
i could go on forr hours about how much i love twilight !
but im not going to !
as u may tell .. im a huge twilight fan.. probs one of the biggest you'll ever hear from ..
so i couldnt disagree more to your post!
yet i'd be an awful person if i didnt say you were entitled to your own opinion. koz you are (: .
i just think you missing out on ALOT !
I LOVE EDWARD by the way !
everytthing about him !
bella is a great character to be with him ! & they deserve eachother.
never mind thought sweet cheeks :) . cats can be fun to ;]
i'd like to hear a reveiw of a film you do like though (: maybe i'd enjoy it :).
thankss -
jessika ! .
LOL! It's kinda amazing how passionate twitards can be about the beauty of twilight.
Let me make this clear to everyone, btw:
I've read the book
Still didn't like it.
And no, it's not because my teacher failed to teach me how to read.
Now, please don't be offended, my darling twitards, but the main reason you love this book is because of Bella's "passionate" relationship with Edward, no?
As one commenter put it, 'it's a FANTASY'. You get to put yourself in Bella's one-size-for-all shoes and pretend that this hunk of a sparkling vampire is in love with you and only you.
You see, this is the exact reason why I don't like the book. There is absolutely no need for me to waste money and time reading a book to fantasise about Edward because I already have an amazing boyfriend who makes Edward Cullen look like a vapid, personality-less, stalker vampire.
As for the prose of the book? Don't get me started on that, please.
heyyy i think this post of urs is really stupid.....you haven't even read the book so u have no rite to say such things....i agreethe movie ws lame but the books are far better....there are certain books tht start badly..but go on to be very well...u can't judge the book by the first chapter itself...n edward liking bella bcoz he culdn't read her mind there is nthng wrong in tht...u do start liking sum1 when u don't know much abt tht person..ur this post was really terriblr n ithink u shld first read the books n get ur facts cleared bfore u comment..
Don't listen to those who brand you as an idiot just because you got a very honest thing to say against the whole Twilight nonsense. Those people who called you an idiot are the ones who don't appreciate real literature. You deserve a high five from me for having your say *high fives*. I did try to read the Twilight books and to be honest, I could not last beyond 10 pages per book (the most terrible and boring books ever published in our generation)
Having read your post made me realised that there is hope that there is a sensible Malaysian like you who dislikes Twi-crap to the hilt (and there are others just like you out there somewhere in Malaysia). You definitely got a point about the most boring (I'd sum it up as the suckiest) couple in the worst piece of literature ever. Secondly, Twilight is not about true love. It is actually about a girl throwing away her own future over an abusive, manipulative guy hidden behind the whole Prince Charming package.
Bella is not a strong or a nice character either. She is nothing but a snotty, ungrateful, selfish little bitch who takes the delight by being disrespectful to her parents and the people who care about her well-being and her happiness. There is more, Bella is a stupid girl too who cannot distinguish between true love and an abusive relationship surrounded by control and manipulation. Before I forget, Bella is the modern poster child of female de-empowerment where she is willing to throw away a bright future beyond high school for a life as a young housewife with nothing to look forward to and always relying on her sparkly husband everyday for eternity. Yet, silly Twilight fans think it is okay to be like Bella? To sum it up, Bella Swan is a terrible role model.
Lastly, I want to say that Twilight is the worst piece of literature to be allowed on display for sale on every bookshop shelf in the whole of publication history. Many traditional folklorists of the past and Bram Stoker (the author of Dracula) would spin in their graves if they knew that Twilight is allowed into our libraries and bookshops. Real vampires don't sparkle, they burn and turn into dust when under the lights.
Twilight is written so badly that you and me would never (not in a thousand years) recommend it as a must-read item especially to anyone who is learning English and creative writing in the classroom. No wonder Stephen King once said "Stephenie Meyer can't even write a darn" and yeah, he is totally right.
why hi team edward!
i love you twilight
LMAO!!!!
That was sooooo funny!! I actually love Twilight but god I enjoyed your post! You should really keep writing stuff like that.
I actually can't believe myself that i just read this article to the end even this 'person' insulted my favorite couple.And my favorite book and movie.
I found myself later, laughing ,because of the words i had read.I am actually shaking with laughter to that extent that my tummy is aching.It is because of your extremely funny reactions about the scenes and you interpreting it.
I also finish reading this, well, bacause i can't think that any person will have that kind of reaction to the movie and the book,well now i found out, i am wrong.
Well, you are very entertaining.Thanks you just made me laugh!
Well i liked your post but it seems to me that Twilight is your guilty pleasure... You devoted a lot of time into this, i dont buy it, i think you like Twilight.. secretly. You just dont like to be a follower. Great post tho it was funny.
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